Open or Closed?

Life, Relationship

Many of you may not know this, but one of top three favorite shows on tv right now happens to be Insecure. Not only is it super funny and has a bomb ass soundtrack, but it also does an amazing job at pushing boundaries and making you think when it comes to relationships. One of more recent topics brought to surface this season was the idea of an open relationship. Now I am not one for sharing my partner, but there are some who find that their relationship works better when all bets are off the table, and there is an open invitation into their bedroom.

I am not going to judge or be so quick to say this isn’t something I wouldn’t absolutely do. I mean you never know what you’re going to do in a situation until you’re actually in it. But… what I am saying is…wtf? The whole idea of an open marriage is something I really have to question. For starters, is it really that wack that you have to find fun with someone else? I mean aren’t you supposed to marry the person you have the most fun with and enjoy being with? What happened to “I want to marry my best friend?” or is that bullshit? Or is the idea of an open relationship really not something to trip off of and we only do so because of what society tells us?

“Is it even worth it?”

After what felt like 1,000 questions, I decided to sit back and really try to think of it from both perspectives (as best as I could). From side A, someone who is not for an open relationship, I thought of all the alternatives that couples possibly have before making this decision. Those go as followed: marriage-counseling, going away on vacation, trying to find where the marriage went left, trying to regain that “spark” or lately, just separating. Now I’ve never been married so I can’t say “oh do all these things and everything will be ok,” but what I can say is these are some of the things I would try personally.

Now for side B, those in favor of an open relationship, maybe they love each other and don’t want to be apart but they really aren’t feeling this anymore. I’ve even thought about the fact that maybe having multiple partners intrigues them, and instead of cheating they want to be upfront and let their partner know what’s going on. Kind of like a ‘have your cake and eat it too’ type thing. Lastly, I thought maybe they just want to avoid divorce and after exhausting their options this is what they liked the best. Who knows? As I mentioned before, you can’t really say what you’d never do until it happens to you. But what I will say is, if this is what marriage is coming to now a days, is it even worth it?

I believe the jury is still out on this one and maybe its more common than I think. Btw, check out Insecure on HBO if you haven’t already, its amazing!

Dating at Work.

Life, Relationship

Office relations, are they good or bad? I know some like to think that they will find their soul mate in numerous places; church, the grocery store, the gym or even work. However, when it comes to work crushes what if that person isn’t your soul mate and things turn sour, then what happens? I can say from personal experience that dating someone from work hasn’t always been a good idea. Also, I’ve never really been a fan of the whole mixing business and pleasure thing, but at the same time, I know a lot of people who have married someone from their job and are truly happy.

Think it out!

So, what I’m asking is: what is the true outlook on this situation? I’ve tried “talking” to guys at my past jobs, and even went on a date with one, and let me just say, that was the worst date I’ve ever been on in my life. Not to bash him, but if you think being too touchy feely, placing an order and eating before I even step foot in the restaurant and blacking out drunk is ideal, then you would of had a great time. No not me. Not to mention, when I returned to work everyone knew about our date. They didn’t know how much of an asshole he was, but they knew that he “wouldn’t go on another date with me and that I wasn’t his type.” Interesting! If being your type entails of me wanting to hear your drunken rants of how much money you make and how the mother of your 4-month-old child isn’t worth sh*t, then I’m glad I’m not your type. Oh, he also failed to mention how he got super wasted, blacked out drunk in my car and I had to basically break into his phone to find out where he lived.

Not only did he embarrass himself, but he also tried to embarrass me and that is not ok. He knew what he did was wrong, which is why he couldn’t even look me in the face whenever we passed. That made me laugh. I remained cordial because I did nothing wrong, and I feel people deserve second chances. However, it made me regret taking him up on his offer and it also made me make this one of my rules; no more dating guys from work. I’m not sharing this story to scare anyone or alter your way of thinking. However, I am sharing this to get you to think. This experience isn’t going to be the same for every person and some people truly do find their soulmates at work, I’ve witnessed it. Just be mindful of a few things before taking that leap.

  1. Make sure you’re truly comfortable with dating your co-worker.
  2. Establish some ground rules (i.e. PDA or no PDA and public relationship or private)
  3. Ask yourself, will this relationship effect your work or cause you to lose focus.
  4. God forbid things go south, will you be able to handle seeing them.
  5. Will you be able to remain friends?

Think it out! Don’t block any potential blessings because you’re scared, or have had a few bad experiences. But certainly think about it, write a list of pro’s and con’s and see which outweighs the other. Better yet, just take the chance! You only live once and if you’ve never snuck a kiss or two in your manager’s office, shit you might be missing out. Let me know your thoughts on this!

 

As Always, with Love – XO J

When it’s Time to Walk Away

Life, Relationship

“That’s when I realized it was time to walk away.”

I think everyone who knows me, knows I am not the relationship type. Never have been, and I probably never will be. I mean I am still The woman who loves single” deep down inside. It’s not that I am bitter or against it, its just I have some issues when it comes to truly trusting someone. I have a problem with the fact that, when shit hits the fan its never for better or worse, its always “ok this is too much for me got-to-go!” I think this stems from witnessing too many failed relationships and not wanting to be apart of one. Or the fact that most people in my generation can’t even commit to something as simple as what they want to eat. However for the past month I’ve tried to give the whole relationship thing a try and honey let me tell you, It’s a whole headache. That’s when I realized it was time to walk away.

Moment one.

Insecurities. Neither man, nor woman wants their partners to be insecure. THEY JUST DON’T! You want your partner to feel loved and happy to be with you, not like they are being scolded or being watched like a hawk. What people fail to realize is when you bring your insecurities into a relationship, nothing good comes out of it. Especially if all you do is deny that they exist. If I can’t feel comfortable in a group setting with both men and women because you think I’m sneaking around with every person that says hello, then baby listen, I don’t need you.

Moment two.

Verbal Threats. You know when you have an argument and they blurt out “you know how many people I could be with right now?” No, I don’t know, but by all means they can have you. If that is your go to during an argument then this isn’t for you and I am not the person for you. Not only is that to me a sign of weakness, but it’s also a sign of immaturity and baby I don’t have any kids so I’m not going to argue with one.

Moment Three.

It became an 80/20 Relationship. If you feel like you’re being drained, then 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one really trying. Once a person feels like the relationship is no longer at an equal stance, or they are putting most of the time and energy into it. Then it is probably time to let go. *Disclaimer: If you feel it’s worth fighting for, keep fighting.

Moment Four.

Harsh Words. I’ve always believed you should pay attention to the things people say when they’re mad. Even if they say they’re sorry, part of them really meant it or it wouldn’t have been said. I am not here for men disrespecting women nor am I here for women doing the same. Relationships should not only be built on trust but they should also be built on respect. Respect me or leave me alone.

Lastly, Moment Five.

No fucks given. Excuse my language, but the moment you feel like “ehh whatever, I’m done I don’t need this” then you’re probably actually done this time and you’re not up for forgiving Ray Ray’s punk ass no more. You’re tired, you’re fed up, and you have finally realized you’re worth more than this and deserve better.

By no means am I some relationship guru, but I do know what a relationship should and shouldn’t feel like. Most importantly, I know my worth, I believe all people should. No person is worth your sanity or worth the headache and heartache. Love yourself; be selfish with your time. Realize your full potential and know that the right person will never make you feel anything short of loved. – XO J

If I Disappear…

Lifestyle, Relationship

If one day you look up and wonder why you haven’t heard from me or why you have seen less and less of me, just know, I have moved on. I am at the point in my life where I have decided to remove all toxins and all things that are blocking me from my inner peace, as well as blocking me from growth. I choose to no longer let things and people hold me back from where it is I am going and the person I want to be. I choose to no longer sit back and laugh at the ignorance of my “friends” when deep down I really feel sorry for them. I choose to no longer sit back and tolerate the negativity of those around me just because we’re cool. And I choose to no longer hold on to those relationships that died so long ago.

So if I disappear and you wonder why, know that I am fine, know that I am good. Please know that I am still not perfect nor am I dreaming to be. Know that God is still looking out for me, and blessings are still within arms reach. Know that my life will still have its ups and downs, but I will be just fine. And please know that just because it did not work out between us, maybe its just me and not you. If I disappear, please do not become fixated on why. Do not try to fix what is clearly meant to be broken. Do not try to find closure, because it probably will not bring you peace.

Just Know I Am Moving On. 

So when I disappear, know I am working on becoming a better person than I was before. Know there is no love lost and it’s still there. Know that nothing last forever not even the best of things. Know it’s ok to let some shit go, people too. Know that this is not me telling you I am better than the next. But rather hear me out when I say, I choose to no longer hold on to what I should have let go so long ago. Know that I didn’t have to say anything at all, but I wanted to leave with some peace. Know that this is not me “throwing shade.” This is me, growing up and moving the hell on.

The Woman Who Loves Single.

Life, Relationship

There is no doubt in my mind that every woman tends to feel some of the pressures that society has when it comes to their dating life. However, what about those who prefer to stay single or just play the field? Oh yes, there are some names that society has for those types of women. Miserable, difficult, loose, or the ever favorite “whore.” Yet, I am still confused as to who is in charge of dictating what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to dating. Where are these rules written and why have we collectively as a society decided that we must follow them?

Yes, there are those women who have this fairy-tale imagination that some guy is going to magically come into their life, sweep them off their feet, tell them they’re beautiful each day, then they live happily ever after. Don’t get me wrong, the bullshit sounds nice and it’s ok to believe in things as such. However, what about those who can actually read in between the lines and understands that everything that glitters isn’t like your favorite pair of sparkly UGG boots, but instead it’s just broken glass hidden within the sand.

One must be thinking, “oh how miserable she must be” or “someone needs to get laid.” But I hate to break it to you, you’re wrong. I am just a woman who loves single. I’ve had my share of relationships, some beautiful and some not. But even with those failed relationships, I am still not someone who believes that love can’t be this magical thing. Although I will say, that I am enjoying the many experiences and challenges that this single life has brought me.

Nowhere in this crazy mixed up world is there somewhere written that a woman must be tied down and bare a bunch of children to the first man that grasp her attention. It’s just not the ideal, but who am I to say. I’m just a half crazy, half sane 23-year-old trying to convince the world I’m really ok alone. I won’t expect people to relate, nor will I expect them to not pass judgement. However, what I will say is that they shouldn’t expect me to care.

“I am just a woman who loves single”

If one really must care about what society has to say and how they should live, then they simply aren’t living at all. Enjoying the single life does not mean you’re miserable, too difficult to deal with, you have loose morals or even you’re too much of a whore to commit. It just means you’re doing whatever the hell you want and you’re just like me. A woman who can sip alone, dance in the middle to whatever song, laugh at your flaws, and enjoy the hell out of the life you’re currently living right now. The next time you’re in a room full of couples just remember, just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re alone and just because they aren’t single doesn’t mean they can’t feel alone. – Xo J.