The Good in Goodbye.

Life, Lifestyle

During my brief hiatus, I was going through this weird transition / phase in my life where I was extremely unhappy about how things were and are currently going in my life. Anyone who knows me, knows I am never satisfied and the littlest things can make me uneasy. I don’t like this trait about myself however, it pushes me to strive for better and to be better as a person. I don’t enjoy being just comfortable with things because sometimes it makes me too complacent. At all times, I am looking for ways to become better and take all aspects of my life to the next level. Staying in one place for too long has always been a scary thing for me. This weird phase has brought me to where I am now, unhappy.

Lately, I’ve been working on saying goodbye to a lot of things in my life, both personal and professional. Things such as tainted and/or failed relationships, tarnished friendships, worn out clothing and old décor. I’m also learning to let go of old habits and bad behaviors. Saying goodbye does not always have to be a sad thing, especially if you’re doing it for the greater good. From recent experiences, I’ve also learned that holding on to things you need to let go does way more harm than good. For so long I’ve tried to hoard and hold on to those things thinking one day they would bring me some good. However, what I failed to realize was that they weren’t and I refused to allow myself to be wrong.

“I want permanent or nothing at all”

Instead of them bringing me happiness, all they were doing (more so what I was allowing them to do), was park negative energy in my life and keep me in a place I did not belong. Temporary happiness is not something I desire. I want permanent or nothing at all. Saying goodbye is not about me abruptly stopping certain behaviors or tossing out old items, it doesn’t work like that. It’s about the process of doing so and learning how to say it and mean it. I don’t want my life to replicate the movie Groundhog Day, you know the movie where the character is stuck repeating the same day over and over. If possible, I want every day to be better than the last. I know I am going to have some down days, that’s just how life works, but I want to control as much of the good and bad that goes into it as I can.

I know I’ve spoken of saying goodbye numerous times before, but this is just something that is a constant thing for me. I am sick of the reminders of unhappier times and mistakes. It’s like a revolving door that I can’t get out of. I don’t want my life to be some half-assed journey that I did nothing for to help change. But I want to live life the way I am supposed to, I want to live up to my personal legend. I’ve learned that you never truly get used to saying goodbye however it does get a little easier along the way. I truly understand the good in goodbye. – XO J

To Thy Own Self Be True.

Change, Lifestyle

Self-love is so important. I can’t say stress enough how much self-love means to me. Its most important on those days where I am just not feeling like myself, and my confidence is at an all time low. I have to stop, take a minute and remind myself of exactly who I am. With the way society is set up today, everyone is so obsessed with looking the same, that sometimes it makes you second guess yourself. However, I don’t believe that I should ever have to feel this way and the fact that many women and young girls around the world do is such bullshit.

If I had a dollar for every time I chose to write about this topic in school, unfortunately I wouldn’t be rich. But I’d damn sure have enough to say to grasp the attention of the room and to me that’s worth more than money. Last night I was thinking of ways I should do my hair while scrolling through old pictures of myself. I contemplated on adding hair, getting braids or just rocking my real hair. As I finished washing my hair I took a look in the mirror and just stared. I thought to myself of how much easier it would be to just wear weave for a while. Yet then I also thought about how much I actually like the freedom of wearing my real hair. Then just as I was about to doubt myself, I thought of my nephew.

I thought about how much he liked my short hair and how much that meant to me. Out of all the people who tell me they like my short hair, none of their opinions matter as much as his. I’m going to break down to you why. Not only is my nephew just a young kid and is brutally honest (you know kids have no filter), but he doesn’t view me like the world does. In his eyes I am his “TT” and he sees me for exactly who I am. I’m not competing with the Instagram models of the world, I’m not being judged for not looking like everybody else does, and I am being complimented for being myself. Now I’m not saying that everyone is trying to be someone else. But what I am saying is, even when you don’t see yourself as beautiful someone else does, and that isn’t appreciated enough. It’s the little things that go a long way.

“I have to remind myself of who I am”

Sometimes when I get too wrapped up in my looks I think about the people who don’t care if I have a drop of makeup on, or that I’m not out in the spot half naked. I also think about the people who appreciate me for me, and remind me how special I am to them. I am thankful for those people. I am thankful for my brown skin even if others aren’t. I am thankful for my short stature and my thick thighs. I am thankful for every mole and stretch mark. I am thankful for my big ears that I finally grew into. I am thankful that my waist isn’t as small as others and my stomach isn’t as flat. I’m getting older and my body is changing. I am thankful for that.

Importantly, I am thankful that even on my shittest of days, I know I have people who still “see me.” Lastly, I am thankful that over the years I’ve gained the confidence that I have now. If you can’t be true to yourself, then whom are you being true to?

Cutting off Loose Ends

Change, Lifestyle

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” – Coco Chanel

The first time I decided to cut my hair back in 2014, I did it because I was bored and sick of my usual style. Another reason was I got tired of being comfortable. I knew that feeling wasn’t going to change unless I forced myself outside my comfort zone and put my words into action. Not only did I surprise others but also I surprised myself. Once I saw my hair hit the ground I knew there would be no turning back at that point. That same feeling I had then I have now. I am comfortable and comfortable is not something I can settle with for long. I am at this stage in my life where things are falling into place but its time to shake something’s up. I am at a point where everything must go and it’s time for shit to get weird. I am ready to feel challenged, scared yet brave at the same time, and ready to widen my boundaries. I always say is life is for the living and I am ready to get to it. There are just a few changes that need to be made before I enter this next stage.

 Realizing who contributes more negativity into my life than good.

You know, the miserable that always desire company. Those people have to go. I am all out of second chances and my patience is running on empty. There is no way in hell you can be that unhappy. I need love around me at all times, not someone who’s only interest is the love life of others. Or about the picture they just posted on Instagram. Not interested.

Ridding myself of worries for things I can’t control.

   Lately I have formed this habit of worrying about things that serve me no purpose. For example, I let others vent to me with their problems that only result in me trying to make their problems my own. This may sound really shitty, but I can’t let other’s problems effect me. I literally cannot. It’s not healthy and those problems weren’t written for me. God has a plan for me and those problems aren’t in it.

Stop searching for the light and become it.

Another thing I realized is no one else is going to just make my life perfect for me. No one is going to give me all of the answers to life’s problems and things aren’t going to just fall into my life because I think they should. No, I must become my own light in whatever path I am on and lead my way. While doing so, I hope to help light someone else’s way too.

Cut off loose ends

By this I mean rid myself of everything that doesn’t tie into where I want to be next. I need to rid myself of bad habits and strive towards a better future and an even better Jackiee. Sometimes holding on to things can only hurts more in the end.

Lately I’ve been thinking and talking a lot about change, but I think its because I am currently living it. Everything has a season and I am ready to for my next season to begin. Xo- J

What is your Personal Legend?

Life, Lifestyle, Spirituality

“When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.” – Paulo Coelho

Recently I decided to reread one of my favorite books, The Alchemist. I had many reasons for wanting to reread this book, however, the main reason was to try and relate it to my present day life rather than how I related it to it in the past. When I first read this book, which was about 9 months ago, I was working third shift and needed something to pass the time. I decided to read this book because it had such good reviews, and was told it would open my eyes to new things. At that time, I wasn’t really looking for anything specific, but I completely missed the messages that I received reading it the second time around. Upon reading it the second time, one of the many messages I received was to discover my personal legend and go after it. If you haven’t had the chance to read The Alchemist I won’t spoil it for you and tell you the main character’s personal legend however, I will speak a little about mine.

For those who aren’t fully aware of what a personal legend is, it is your life’s spiritual purpose. It is an unwritten code of conduct that you want to live by, it is your life’s ultimate purpose. When I first read this book I was not at all thinking about my life’s purpose, or the future years ahead, I was just reading to read. This was my first mistake. My second mistake was not retaining anything that I had just read. It’s almost like it went in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t truly engaged and focused. Now that I’ve had the chance to reread it I wish I would have obtained those messages then versus now. Although my life has changed drastically since then, I probably could have used those messages along the way.

For me, my personal legend doesn’t consist of becoming this overly famous person with tons of money to blow. However, it does consist of success and happiness, no matter if it leaves me rich or just comfortable. I simply want to live well, and by well I mean full of faith, courage, knowledge, strength and in accordance with my true spirituality. I want to live my life to its full purpose and enjoy it along the way. I want to know that I’ve impacted the life of at least one person and do something that I can be proud of. I know that right now my personal legend may seem a bit vague, but I am only 24 and I still have a lot to experience and learn. “When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” I know that my personal legend consists of me becoming better and I want to make sure that my everyday life allows me to do so.

One of the main reasons I enjoy writing is because it allows me to push out the millions of thoughts I have roaming around in my head. But it also pushes me to make those thoughts become reality. It’s easy to think about something over and over again without actually doing it. But once it’s out there on paper for the world to see, it makes me want to strive for it even more. Not only am I sharing my personal thoughts with others, but it’s also my way of letting those who have these same thoughts know they have my full support. For those who like to shy away from this topic or believe that it’s not something they need to worry about at this moment. Know it’s not a bad thing to wonder what your life’s purpose is. Never keep yourself from aspiring to learn your true personal legend. If you want it, the universe WILL help you achieve it. – xo J

Why I Left My Job

Change, Lifestyle

One day when I woke up, I took a look around and everything about where I was mentally and physically just did not sit well with me. I was not happy. I decided if I wanted things to change I was going to have to be the one to change them. So I picked up and left, with little notice and little mention to anyone. Not a worry, not a fear, not a doubt in my mind. I knew I was going to be ok either sooner or later.

I left to find peace and I also left to find myself. I know I have mentioned this before but that just goes to show how important the two are to me. When I started my new job, it was like a page within the chapter of my new life. It was a fresh start something I appreciated more than anything. Slowly but surely, I found myself becoming much happier and a different person. I felt at ease, something I was looking for. However, as I always say, life comes at you fast and everything that glitters isn’t gold.

That shine soon began to fade and I started to feel my light beginning to dim. A place that I felt brought me joy soon began to bring me agony and I started to lose sight of the person I was working so hard to become. Don’t get me wrong the work wasn’t hard and I was damn good at it. However, the environment became too toxic and I felt myself starting to change and lose focus. That was not what I moved here for and that was not what I wanted for myself.

When I decided to look for new work, I prayed on it daily and forced myself to greet everyday with a smile knowing I wasn’t happy. I had to literally force myself out of bed each morning and drive damn near 30 minutes to a place I was looking forward to leaving. They always tell you to speak up for yourself and express when something is wrong. However, what they don’t tell you is the price you pay when you do. The back and forth, the constant looks over your shoulder and the constant disrespect. Three things as an adult you don’t want to deal with in a professional setting.

Once I heard back from the job I wanted most, I knew my time was up. Not only did I put my two weeks in professionally, but also I gave notice of even doing that. I soon began to feel a weight being lifted and I also felt a little more at ease. But once again, if there is not one thing, it surely is another. From the moment my two weeks were received it felt like the more drama came along. It got so bad that I felt like it was greeting me at the door. That there was another sign I could not ignore.

The toxicity started to spread and I was up for battle everyday I walked in the door. Yet again I found myself guarded and on defense and that was something I was not about to stand for. There’s no way in hell I should have to deal with the bullshit daily and I’m the only one dealing with it. Not only was someone who was supposed to be my higher up acting as a child, but she was also showing me that she was weak. I intimidated her and even when I kept to myself I was still doing better than her.

So this is why I left my job. I left to restore my peace. I left to brighten back up my light. I left to catch that person I was close to losing. I left because life is too damn short to live another day miserable in a place that only wishes to tear me down. Lastly, I left because I know God got me. Nothing about my decision left me uneasy or scared. When you give God your problems he will give you his peace and that is what I know. I left my job because there is a season for everything and my season was up. I left my job because my purpose there was fulfilled and God has another project for me.

“He will get you through this better than before.”

I will say this, don’t quit unless you have something planned, but don’t stay if it makes life unbearable. I took my leap of faith and just like I expected, God got me. If you trust him, he will have you too.

If I Disappear…

Lifestyle, Relationship

If one day you look up and wonder why you haven’t heard from me or why you have seen less and less of me, just know, I have moved on. I am at the point in my life where I have decided to remove all toxins and all things that are blocking me from my inner peace, as well as blocking me from growth. I choose to no longer let things and people hold me back from where it is I am going and the person I want to be. I choose to no longer sit back and laugh at the ignorance of my “friends” when deep down I really feel sorry for them. I choose to no longer sit back and tolerate the negativity of those around me just because we’re cool. And I choose to no longer hold on to those relationships that died so long ago.

So if I disappear and you wonder why, know that I am fine, know that I am good. Please know that I am still not perfect nor am I dreaming to be. Know that God is still looking out for me, and blessings are still within arms reach. Know that my life will still have its ups and downs, but I will be just fine. And please know that just because it did not work out between us, maybe its just me and not you. If I disappear, please do not become fixated on why. Do not try to fix what is clearly meant to be broken. Do not try to find closure, because it probably will not bring you peace.

Just Know I Am Moving On. 

So when I disappear, know I am working on becoming a better person than I was before. Know there is no love lost and it’s still there. Know that nothing last forever not even the best of things. Know it’s ok to let some shit go, people too. Know that this is not me telling you I am better than the next. But rather hear me out when I say, I choose to no longer hold on to what I should have let go so long ago. Know that I didn’t have to say anything at all, but I wanted to leave with some peace. Know that this is not me “throwing shade.” This is me, growing up and moving the hell on.

By 30…

Lifestyle

One of the first things I was asked after my college graduation was, “so what are you going to do next?” My answer… “Well I’m about to go have dinner with my family and friends that’s about it.” What else was I going to say? I wasn’t going to lie because there was no need. I had no idea what was going to happen next. Don’t get me wrong I looked at some graduate schools and applied to some jobs, but I had no real answer. I had no idea and me not having any idea stressed me out even more. However I learned to cope, deal with it and try to move on. I instantly threw myself into work until about 7 months later when it was time to begin payment on my student loans, the stress that I thought I had locked away only began to resurface. Not only was I clueless, but now I was going to be clueless and in enough debt to cover a swimming pool.

Little by little I started looking into things I wanted to study and set my sights on going back to school part time. Once I settled on majoring in Occupational Therapy, I thought for sure this was what I was going to do. I just knew it was. However, that was not the case. Left and right God kept throwing me signs until one day I decided to stop ignoring them and face my truths. I was forcing myself back into school for all the wrong reasons. So instead of starting the semester with my new classmates, I decided to pack my bags to start a new life. Not necessarily a new one, but the one I was blocking myself from enjoying. I set my goal, I applied myself and within two weeks I was gone. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t quite plan everything out how a normal person should, but dammit if it wasn’t then, then it was going to be never.

With the help of my mother, and a lot of God’s blessings, my life went from stressing to just seeing what happens next. This may sound crazy to a nonbeliever, but once I stopped worrying so much my faith grew a lot stronger. To this day I really can’t tell you how I knew, but I knew and I still know, everything is going to be ok. Once I stopped dwelling on that question of “what are you going to do next”, life has been a little bit easier. I have no idea what I’m going to do next. I HAVE NO IDEA! I’ve learned to live with not knowing for right now and just enjoy being 23. Who said I HAD to have a Bentley or Mercedes by 23? Why can’t I enjoy the fucking Jeep I have or my apartment that the bedroom in alone is bigger than my cousin apartment in Manhattan? I blame Instagram and Twitter for that shit.

Growing up I just knew my life was going to be the way I planned it out to be at 16. There was no way I was going to steer away from my step-by-step roadmap. I was tripping then. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have told myself to be better. Ease up on myself and to just breathe. I remember telling myself if it wasn’t going to happen for me by 30 then it wasn’t going to happen. And that was for everything, kids, my career and marriage. Not only was I trying to sell myself short, but I was also putting an unrealistic time stamp on my life that was not going to do anything but make me miserable later on. I’m not saying forget your dreams and be a bum, but what I am saying is I am 23 and I have dreams, I am ambitious, I am a hard worker, and I am motivated. I’m just not 100% sure what I want to do right now at this moment.

I laugh when people tell me “you’ll find your niche” or “you’re just young right now, you’ll know by 30.” Not because I think they’re crazy or telling me lies, but because even in those moments of self-doubt, there are people still rooting me on. I admire and adore those who know exactly what they want to do and have found their niche right out the gate. However as for me, I have no worries that it’s not going to happen and I have no doubts. But what I will say is, for the moment, I am ok with not knowing. God willing, I will figure it out by 30. –XO J

“Find what you love to do and let it consume you.”