During my brief hiatus, I was going through this weird transition / phase in my life where I was extremely unhappy about how things were and are currently going in my life. Anyone who knows me, knows I am never satisfied and the littlest things can make me uneasy. I don’t like this trait about myself however, it pushes me to strive for better and to be better as a person. I don’t enjoy being just comfortable with things because sometimes it makes me too complacent. At all times, I am looking for ways to become better and take all aspects of my life to the next level. Staying in one place for too long has always been a scary thing for me. This weird phase has brought me to where I am now, unhappy.
Lately, I’ve been working on saying goodbye to a lot of things in my life, both personal and professional. Things such as tainted and/or failed relationships, tarnished friendships, worn out clothing and old décor. I’m also learning to let go of old habits and bad behaviors. Saying goodbye does not always have to be a sad thing, especially if you’re doing it for the greater good. From recent experiences, I’ve also learned that holding on to things you need to let go does way more harm than good. For so long I’ve tried to hoard and hold on to those things thinking one day they would bring me some good. However, what I failed to realize was that they weren’t and I refused to allow myself to be wrong.
“I want permanent or nothing at all”
Instead of them bringing me happiness, all they were doing (more so what I was allowing them to do), was park negative energy in my life and keep me in a place I did not belong. Temporary happiness is not something I desire. I want permanent or nothing at all. Saying goodbye is not about me abruptly stopping certain behaviors or tossing out old items, it doesn’t work like that. It’s about the process of doing so and learning how to say it and mean it. I don’t want my life to replicate the movie Groundhog Day, you know the movie where the character is stuck repeating the same day over and over. If possible, I want every day to be better than the last. I know I am going to have some down days, that’s just how life works, but I want to control as much of the good and bad that goes into it as I can.
I know I’ve spoken of saying goodbye numerous times before, but this is just something that is a constant thing for me. I am sick of the reminders of unhappier times and mistakes. It’s like a revolving door that I can’t get out of. I don’t want my life to be some half-assed journey that I did nothing for to help change. But I want to live life the way I am supposed to, I want to live up to my personal legend. I’ve learned that you never truly get used to saying goodbye however it does get a little easier along the way. I truly understand the good in goodbye. – XO J