Open or Closed?

Many of you may not know this, but one of top three favorite shows on tv right now happens to be Insecure. Not only is it super funny and has a bomb ass soundtrack, but it also does an amazing job at pushing boundaries and making you think when it comes to relationships. One of more recent topics brought to surface this season was the idea of an open relationship. Now I am not one for sharing my partner, but there are some who find that their relationship works better when all bets are off the table, and there is an open invitation into their bedroom.

I am not going to judge or be so quick to say this isn’t something I wouldn’t absolutely do. I mean you never know what you’re going to do in a situation until you’re actually in it. But… what I am saying is…wtf? The whole idea of an open marriage is something I really have to question. For starters, is it really that wack that you have to find fun with someone else? I mean aren’t you supposed to marry the person you have the most fun with and enjoy being with? What happened to “I want to marry my best friend?” or is that bullshit? Or is the idea of an open relationship really not something to trip off of and we only do so because of what society tells us?

“Is it even worth it?”

After what felt like 1,000 questions, I decided to sit back and really try to think of it from both perspectives (as best as I could). From side A, someone who is not for an open relationship, I thought of all the alternatives that couples possibly have before making this decision. Those go as followed: marriage-counseling, going away on vacation, trying to find where the marriage went left, trying to regain that “spark” or lately, just separating. Now I’ve never been married so I can’t say “oh do all these things and everything will be ok,” but what I can say is these are some of the things I would try personally.

Now for side B, those in favor of an open relationship, maybe they love each other and don’t want to be apart but they really aren’t feeling this anymore. I’ve even thought about the fact that maybe having multiple partners intrigues them, and instead of cheating they want to be upfront and let their partner know what’s going on. Kind of like a ‘have your cake and eat it too’ type thing. Lastly, I thought maybe they just want to avoid divorce and after exhausting their options this is what they liked the best. Who knows? As I mentioned before, you can’t really say what you’d never do until it happens to you. But what I will say is, if this is what marriage is coming to now a days, is it even worth it?

I believe the jury is still out on this one and maybe its more common than I think. Btw, check out Insecure on HBO if you haven’t already, its amazing!

To Thy Own Self Be True.

Wanderous Warrior

Self-love is so important. I can’t say stress enough how much self-love means to me. Its most important on those days where I am just not feeling like myself, and my confidence is at an all time low. I have to stop, take a minute and remind myself of exactly who I am. With the way society is set up today, everyone is so obsessed with looking the same, that sometimes it makes you second guess yourself. However, I don’t believe that I should ever have to feel this way and the fact that many women and young girls around the world do is such bullshit.

If I had a dollar for every time I chose to write about this topic in school, unfortunately I wouldn’t be rich. But I’d damn sure have enough to say to grasp the attention of the room and to me that’s worth more than…

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To Thy Own Self Be True.

Self-love is so important. I can’t say stress enough how much self-love means to me. Its most important on those days where I am just not feeling like myself, and my confidence is at an all time low. I have to stop, take a minute and remind myself of exactly who I am. With the way society is set up today, everyone is so obsessed with looking the same, that sometimes it makes you second guess yourself. However, I don’t believe that I should ever have to feel this way and the fact that many women and young girls around the world do is such bullshit.

If I had a dollar for every time I chose to write about this topic in school, unfortunately I wouldn’t be rich. But I’d damn sure have enough to say to grasp the attention of the room and to me that’s worth more than money. Last night I was thinking of ways I should do my hair while scrolling through old pictures of myself. I contemplated on adding hair, getting braids or just rocking my real hair. As I finished washing my hair I took a look in the mirror and just stared. I thought to myself of how much easier it would be to just wear weave for a while. Yet then I also thought about how much I actually like the freedom of wearing my real hair. Then just as I was about to doubt myself, I thought of my nephew.

I thought about how much he liked my short hair and how much that meant to me. Out of all the people who tell me they like my short hair, none of their opinions matter as much as his. I’m going to break down to you why. Not only is my nephew just a young kid and is brutally honest (you know kids have no filter), but he doesn’t view me like the world does. In his eyes I am his “TT” and he sees me for exactly who I am. I’m not competing with the Instagram models of the world, I’m not being judged for not looking like everybody else does, and I am being complimented for being myself. Now I’m not saying that everyone is trying to be someone else. But what I am saying is, even when you don’t see yourself as beautiful someone else does, and that isn’t appreciated enough. It’s the little things that go a long way.

“I have to remind myself of who I am”

Sometimes when I get too wrapped up in my looks I think about the people who don’t care if I have a drop of makeup on, or that I’m not out in the spot half naked. I also think about the people who appreciate me for me, and remind me how special I am to them. I am thankful for those people. I am thankful for my brown skin even if others aren’t. I am thankful for my short stature and my thick thighs. I am thankful for every mole and stretch mark. I am thankful for my big ears that I finally grew into. I am thankful that my waist isn’t as small as others and my stomach isn’t as flat. I’m getting older and my body is changing. I am thankful for that.

Importantly, I am thankful that even on my shittest of days, I know I have people who still “see me.” Lastly, I am thankful that over the years I’ve gained the confidence that I have now. If you can’t be true to yourself, then whom are you being true to?

Dating at Work.

Office relations, are they good or bad? I know some like to think that they will find their soul mate in numerous places; church, the grocery store, the gym or even work. However, when it comes to work crushes what if that person isn’t your soul mate and things turn sour, then what happens? I can say from personal experience that dating someone from work hasn’t always been a good idea. Also, I’ve never really been a fan of the whole mixing business and pleasure thing, but at the same time, I know a lot of people who have married someone from their job and are truly happy.

Think it out!

So, what I’m asking is: what is the true outlook on this situation? I’ve tried “talking” to guys at my past jobs, and even went on a date with one, and let me just say, that was the worst date I’ve ever been on in my life. Not to bash him, but if you think being too touchy feely, placing an order and eating before I even step foot in the restaurant and blacking out drunk is ideal, then you would of had a great time. No not me. Not to mention, when I returned to work everyone knew about our date. They didn’t know how much of an asshole he was, but they knew that he “wouldn’t go on another date with me and that I wasn’t his type.” Interesting! If being your type entails of me wanting to hear your drunken rants of how much money you make and how the mother of your 4-month-old child isn’t worth sh*t, then I’m glad I’m not your type. Oh, he also failed to mention how he got super wasted, blacked out drunk in my car and I had to basically break into his phone to find out where he lived.

Not only did he embarrass himself, but he also tried to embarrass me and that is not ok. He knew what he did was wrong, which is why he couldn’t even look me in the face whenever we passed. That made me laugh. I remained cordial because I did nothing wrong, and I feel people deserve second chances. However, it made me regret taking him up on his offer and it also made me make this one of my rules; no more dating guys from work. I’m not sharing this story to scare anyone or alter your way of thinking. However, I am sharing this to get you to think. This experience isn’t going to be the same for every person and some people truly do find their soulmates at work, I’ve witnessed it. Just be mindful of a few things before taking that leap.

  1. Make sure you’re truly comfortable with dating your co-worker.
  2. Establish some ground rules (i.e. PDA or no PDA and public relationship or private)
  3. Ask yourself, will this relationship effect your work or cause you to lose focus.
  4. God forbid things go south, will you be able to handle seeing them.
  5. Will you be able to remain friends?

Think it out! Don’t block any potential blessings because you’re scared, or have had a few bad experiences. But certainly think about it, write a list of pro’s and con’s and see which outweighs the other. Better yet, just take the chance! You only live once and if you’ve never snuck a kiss or two in your manager’s office, shit you might be missing out. Let me know your thoughts on this!

 

As Always, with Love – XO J

All Summer 2k17

Now that we are well into the summer, I’ve decided to take a break from some of the more serious topics that I usually discuss and write on something I think is much more fun! So below I have decided to touch on a few activities that I feel are enjoyable and that can help lead to a good summer!

  • Take some time off.   All work and no play can lead to anyone feeling worn out and washed. It’s not such a bad thing to take a personal day off and go layout by the sun. You earned it, you deserve it and you’re getting paid for it!
  • Go for a dip.  If you’re a water sign like me, then I know you enjoy the water just as much as I do. Visit your nearest pool or take a trip to the beach. If you’re fortunate enough to have a pool at your place of residence this is also a plus. Not only is the pool a great place to relax at but it’s also a great place to get in some quick exercise. Killing two birds with one stone! (Not literally of course)
  • Take A Vacay. Whether it’s a staycation or a trip away with friends. A vacation is a must have for everyone’s summer to-do list. I know for me I don’t feel complete unless I take at least one vacation. I like to get away, change my scenery and pretend that I don’t have any real responsibilities for a few days.
  • Try something new! There is always something going on during the summer months so it doesn’t hurt to try something different. Summer time is full of amazing fairs, carnivals, art shows, concerts, pool parties and even trips to the amusement park. If you haven’t tried any of those things, then you’re truly missing out! I live for deep fried Oreos, and funnel cakes so fair time is my favorite time!
  • Visit the Zoo. I loveee animals! If your zoo is as nice as mine take trip and see those cute animals!
  • Cute Dates. By cute I mean picnics, go-cart racing, mini golf and even try a drive-in movie. Those types of dates may be cliché but you must admit they’re cute and enjoyable.
  • Try Hiking. Yes, it’s a little hot but hiking is great exercise, it’s a good way to ease your mind, and it allows you to become one with nature. We’re so consumed in our phones and social media all the time, it’s not such a bad thing to shy away from it for a day or two.
  • Exercise! Ok, Ok exercising may not be fun for all. However, it is a great way to release some steam as well as help you feel good. I know after a good workout session for me I always feel much better and less tense. Also, it’s not a bad thing to want to take care of your body.

I know these may choices may seem a bit much for some, but one of the benefits that many of these activities have is that they’re free! There’s nothing like free fun on a nice summer day. So, get out enjoy and make the most of your summer! As always, with love! XO J

When it’s Time to Walk Away

“That’s when I realized it was time to walk away.”

I think everyone who knows me, knows I am not the relationship type. Never have been, and I probably never will be. I mean I am still The woman who loves single” deep down inside. It’s not that I am bitter or against it, its just I have some issues when it comes to truly trusting someone. I have a problem with the fact that, when shit hits the fan its never for better or worse, its always “ok this is too much for me got-to-go!” I think this stems from witnessing too many failed relationships and not wanting to be apart of one. Or the fact that most people in my generation can’t even commit to something as simple as what they want to eat. However for the past month I’ve tried to give the whole relationship thing a try and honey let me tell you, It’s a whole headache. That’s when I realized it was time to walk away.

Moment one.

Insecurities. Neither man, nor woman wants their partners to be insecure. THEY JUST DON’T! You want your partner to feel loved and happy to be with you, not like they are being scolded or being watched like a hawk. What people fail to realize is when you bring your insecurities into a relationship, nothing good comes out of it. Especially if all you do is deny that they exist. If I can’t feel comfortable in a group setting with both men and women because you think I’m sneaking around with every person that says hello, then baby listen, I don’t need you.

Moment two.

Verbal Threats. You know when you have an argument and they blurt out “you know how many people I could be with right now?” No, I don’t know, but by all means they can have you. If that is your go to during an argument then this isn’t for you and I am not the person for you. Not only is that to me a sign of weakness, but it’s also a sign of immaturity and baby I don’t have any kids so I’m not going to argue with one.

Moment Three.

It became an 80/20 Relationship. If you feel like you’re being drained, then 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one really trying. Once a person feels like the relationship is no longer at an equal stance, or they are putting most of the time and energy into it. Then it is probably time to let go. *Disclaimer: If you feel it’s worth fighting for, keep fighting.

Moment Four.

Harsh Words. I’ve always believed you should pay attention to the things people say when they’re mad. Even if they say they’re sorry, part of them really meant it or it wouldn’t have been said. I am not here for men disrespecting women nor am I here for women doing the same. Relationships should not only be built on trust but they should also be built on respect. Respect me or leave me alone.

Lastly, Moment Five.

No fucks given. Excuse my language, but the moment you feel like “ehh whatever, I’m done I don’t need this” then you’re probably actually done this time and you’re not up for forgiving Ray Ray’s punk ass no more. You’re tired, you’re fed up, and you have finally realized you’re worth more than this and deserve better.

By no means am I some relationship guru, but I do know what a relationship should and shouldn’t feel like. Most importantly, I know my worth, I believe all people should. No person is worth your sanity or worth the headache and heartache. Love yourself; be selfish with your time. Realize your full potential and know that the right person will never make you feel anything short of loved. – XO J